Effective Communication Clears Up Confusion

How often have you told someone, “you know what I meant”? Well, it is a good practice to get out of that habit! We all wish that people knew what we were thinking just by looking at us or “knowing” us. However, the fact is that people can change so much from day to day that it is hard to always understand what one is thinking, even those we think we know well. Good example, my daughter’s favorite color has been pink for as long as I can remember, or so I thought. Well, today, I actually asked her what her favorite color was and to my surprise she does not have a favorite color! Imagine that! And I know her so well! Now, this particular example is certainly a minor issue, but it just goes to show you that unless you ask specific questions from a person or tell people precisely what you want them to know about you, you can never be sure what a person is thinking or feeling and they will not know you as well as you might think they do. Therefore, it is almost impossible for people to always know what you mean or know what is going on with you, unless you tell them.

I recently talked to a young woman discussing her disappointment concerning a gift she was expecting her husband to get her for her birthday. She assumed he knew what she wanted for her birthday. I asked her if she told him that she wanted to replace her stolen tennis bracelet for her birthday and her answer to me was, “he should have known that I would want to replace my bracelet.” Well, maybe he should have known. However, I told her that the disconnect was hers because she did not directly tell him that she wanted her bracelet replaced for or by her birthday. Yes, he probably intended to replace it eventually, but the only way he would have truly known what the intended time frame for the replacement to take place, was for her to tell him. Now, he could have been kind enough to ask, but the burden of surety lies on her for this particular incident, because it was her wish that was to be fulfilled, not his. You really set yourself up to be disappointed when you assume that people know what is on your mind.

A more serious example; a young couple left their child in daycare for over an hour after the facility was due to close because the mother assumed the dad was going to pick up the child and the dad assumed the mom was going to pick up the child, based on a very unclear conversation they had earlier in the day. The rules of the center was clear that if a parent or guardian was going to be late picking up their children, a phone call must be placed before the closing hour or the facility had the right to terminate the daycare service immediately. The parents missed more than 4 days of work a piece trying to find replacement daycare due to their lack of communication to each other; not to mention the tension that built up within the relationship with blame and finger pointing. Again, both people were actually to blame because neither parent bothered to get in touch with the other to confirm the plans for their own child! A phone call, which could have taken all of twenty seconds to confirm, would have alleviated this issue.

So here are some key suggestions to improve on your communications skills:

1. Be honest with yourself about what it is you want people to know about you. The more information you give, the more likely a person can effectively reach out to you. Some people tend to “bottle up” their personal information in an attempt to be elusive, but then get upset or disappointed when no one really knows personal things about them. I have seen grown women cry because they did not receive a visit or phone call for a special occasion, but when asked if they told anyone about the special occasion, the reply was no! End of the pity party!!

2. Never assume that a person already knows what is in your heart or mind. And never assume you know what is in a person’s heart or mind. Ask clear, precise questions in the attempt to get clear, precise answers. You could lose out in a lot of situations holding back on your thoughts for fear of being hurt or misunderstood. The hurt and misunderstanding is always worse when you never speak up and lose out because of it.

3. Be detailed in the information that you are giving. For example, if you are depending on a ride to or from somewhere, make sure the person you are depending on knows very close to, if not the exact time and location of where they need to be. Trust me, it is not fun standing out in the cold or rain waiting for a ride because the information exchanged was not clear to either you or the driver!

4. Speak up for yourself! Your boss will never know you deserve a better raise if you do not tell him/her! Your teacher will never know you do not understand an assignment if you just walk out of class every day and say nothing to him/her. Mind reading is not a popular course!

5. Being rude is not a part of effective communication. You can clearly tell someone how you feel or what you are thinking without being rude. In fact, your words are heard more thoroughly when you remain calm, professional and sure of yourself. Make it a practice not let people take you out of your calm element. I know it is very hard sometimes, but you have to dig deeper and try harder in order for effective communication to become a part of you.

And, just so you know, I think you are wonderful, I would love to get to know you better and I hope you have learned something important on my website! If there is anything you would like to know about me, just ask!