Sex Does Not Equal Love!

We live in a time where society no longer pressures young people to wait until marriage for sex. Sex is no longer taboo. In fact, the media would have you believe that sex is the most “in” thing to do. Sex has even become a major marketing tool for a lot of companies to sell their products! The irony of the entire sex campaign is that if the education on sex practices and all of the issues that go along with having sex are not handled properly, it can be extremely destructive, even deadly!! I personally encourage young adults to practice abstinence, whether it be waiting for marriage for religious beliefs or until they have done all of the necessary homework to have a safe, meaningful, relationship with someone whom they have entered into a long term, monogamous relationship with. The sad reality is that most teens and young adults try sex long before marriage or even a serious relationship. There are a lot of consequences when you decide to have sex at an early age and/or if you decide to at any age without making intelligent choices.

I have asked many young ladies why they have chosen to have sex so young. The most heart breaking responses have been “he told me if I love him, I would do it” and “because he was going to break up with me if I didn’t”! Usually when the reasons are that relaxed, the repercussions are astounding! These young ladies, unfortunately, are struggling with self esteem issues. Ladies, I want you to understand that one of the purposes for building a healthy self-esteem is to counteract such ignorance. Your body should never be used as a bargaining tool for any reason! If a young man decides that not having sex with him is reason to break up with you, then you can believe he is going to break up with you anyway! Therefore, you might as well let him break up with you and keep your dignity intact. I recently talked to a young lady who has been in some form of relationship with, but had not had sex (according to her), with 12 boys/young men since the age of 12. She is now 19. To give her something to think about, I asked her what if she had decided to have sex with each guy as leverage so they wouldn’t break up with her. She was so disgusted at the thought of potentially having 12 sex partners at her age and still no serious relationship in sight. Here is why she was so disgusted: two of the guys she dated admitted to having over 20 sex partners at the ripe old age of 19, 1 of the guys she dated had been in multiple homosexual relationships, 3 of the guys she dated admitted to having some form of sexually transmitted disease, and those are just the guys who shared their information with her! I commended her on her decision to remain a virgin and encouraged her that while friendly “dating” can be harmless, she needed to be careful and aware of how far she wants the dating to go, since that choice is strictly up to her. So far, she is doing just fine and have decided to remain a virgin! I am very proud of her!

There was a time when getting pregnant was probably the biggest concern of having sex. While getting pregnant is still high on the list, there are even bigger issues when choosing to have sex. AIDS, for instance, kills!! Many of you are probably thinking that since you use protection, you are probably safe. Unfortunately, that is also a myth. The ONLY sure fire way to not get pregnant or get any sexually transmitted diseases is to not have sex. The problem is that a lot of young people feel invincible and say immature things like “it only happened one time.” It only takes one time to get pregnant! It only takes one time to get a sexually transmitted disease!

Young men, I know you’ve heard all sorts of negative comments, such as men are dogs, men can’t be trusted, etc. I challenge you to be the kind of young man to prove those statements wrong. I know those are stereotypes that our society continues to encourage, but it is time for you to work towards cleaning up the image so you can change that stereotype. Having sex doesn’t make you cool, it doesn’t guarantee love, it isn’t even always the thrill that you have been foolishly forced into believing! Be strong enough to make wiser choices about having sex. Having sex is not merely some form of entertainment. It is something to be shared between two mature individuals who have maintained a commitment to each other and should not be taken lightly. You put your life and other people’s live in jeopardy when you casually have sex for entertainment.

Young men and women, the truth is, if you care about yourself, your body and the lives of others, do not enter into relationships that put your life in danger, that compromises your beliefs, or that demeans your character! Learn how to say “no, I’m not ready”! That is the most adult response you could give. You have no control over other people’s actions, but you are in full command of your own choices. Respect yourself enough to force others to respect you, as well, simply by your actions. It will be very difficult for someone to approach you with nonsense when you are armed with a healthy self-esteem and the ability to have a strong mind. The truth is if he/she really loves you, then he/she will wait until you are ready, rather than forcing you into making decisions that you are not ready for. Sex does not equal love!

Achieving Your Personal Goals

What a great feeling it is when you are successful and accomplish your intended goals! There is certainly a process that goes along with being successful. The start of this process is setting realistic goals and developing a timeline for your achievements. First and foremost, it is very important to learn to become punctual. Whether you have date deadlines or time deadlines, it is an extremely important practice to get things done in a timely fashion. Next, determine what steps are necessary to accomplish your goals. For example, if you are a student with an intended major, speak with a counselor or professor in that field to find all of the requirements needed to successfully reach your goal; you need to know what courses you need to take; how many years of school you will need; what your financial status is or will be and whether you will need to apply for scholarships or loans for the entire time you need to be in school, etc. If you have a job and you want to get promoted or be considered for other positions, find out what that process entails; you need to know if taking courses will help in your promotion or position quest; you need to find out if relocating may be beneficial to you, your career choice and job availability, etc. The bottom line is that no matter what your goals are, you must do your homework in order to get started down your successful path. If you do your homework and set realistic goals, your failures and disappointments become minimal.

A very important factor in this process is knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are. It is always good to constantly fine tune the things that you know you are already good at and strengthen the areas that you know you could use improvement. For instance, If you choose a path that will include being knowledgeable in math, but you know you are not a math genius, start with the level of math that you know you can handle and then gradually push yourself to the next level of difficulty. Do not give up on your dreams because you are not great at one piece of the total picture. Be honest with yourself about what YOU want to achieve. Most of us are influenced at an early age to become doctors or lawyers or some super hero athlete. Those are all wonderful expectations, but that is not realistic for everyone. Follow YOUR dreams and expectations.

Even when you take all of the steps necessary to become successful, sometimes you will still be met with adversities. Therefore, you will also need to learn how to deal with set backs. The first thing to do when you are disappointed with an outcome is to ask yourself whether or not you have done everything possible to achieve the goal in question. You have to be absolutely honest with yourself about your achievements because only you know whether you worked hard enough, gave it your all or put your best foot forward and you would only be cheating yourself to not answer those questions sincerely. You have no control over another person’s decision making process, but when you know that you have done your very best, rather than being disappointed in yourself, you will learn to re-assess your accomplishments, be constructively critical of your output, brush yourself off and get back in the race with the same confidence and enthusiasm as you had the first time around. One important lesson to learn is to not blame others for your failures. This is unhealthy behavior simply because if you do not take responsibility for your own life and how you handle its ups and downs, it will be very difficult for you to achieve your goals. If you do not recognize what YOUR faults are, you cannot correct them. Blaming others for your downfalls will definitely keep you from improving and progressing in your life. Remember to always keep a positive attitude, even in the face of adversity.

Find A Mentor; Be A Mentor

My oldest sister always made it her business to be in my business. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she was mentoring to me all along. As I got older, I recognized that I valued her opinion, I cherished her advice and sometimes wonder if I ever would have made it this far without her! She was always in my corner, through the good and the bad times. Today, she is still my mentor and she is in my corner when I need a push, someone to talk to or just a hug for comfort to let me know everything will be alright!

Having a mentor in your life is very important. If you already have someone that you are close to that you can turn to for help, then make sure that you never take advantage of that relationship. If someone has taken the time to support you and your life, always do what you can to show your appreciation. More than likely, all that it will take is for you to continue to strive for success. No one can make it in life alone. Behind everyone who has achieved success, I guarantee they will tell say they had a least one mentor that they turned to for guidance in their endeavors. Now, it is great to admire people who are already famous and who have been successful. You could certainly pattern some of their achievements. However, a good mentor is someone who is actually a part of your life. They know you, they care about you and how your life turn out and they will follow you throughout life. Your mentor could be a family member, a close friend, a teacher, etc. The most important thing to know is that a good mentor does not sugar coat things for you and does not necessarily make life easier for you, but they will certainly make sure that your quality of life improves. So, if someone is afraid to tell you when you make mistakes or help you correct the mistakes you have made, that is probably not someone who you should consider a mentor. However, if they push you to your limits for you to achieve greatness despite your resistance, hold on to that person for dear life!

On that same note, just like you have or will have a mentor or someone who has your best interest at heart, it is good for you to give back. You can mentor to people, as well. Mentoring covers all kinds of grounds. Maybe you know someone who values your opinion or just need to have life conversations with you. Maybe you see greatness in someone who doesn’t value their self worth. Make their life your business! Don’t just sit by and watch someone’s life fall by the waist side without even attempting to help them. The only myth about mentoring is that most people believe you are suppose to be an angel with no faults. Fortunately, that is not the truth or no one could ever mentor since no one is perfect! However, it is wise that if you have someone looking up to you, especially someone young and impressionable, that you do your best to stay out of trouble and do positive things that will make looking up to you worthwhile for them. Also, if you have the time and energy to do so, you can always mentor to more than one person at a time for different reasons.

Self-Esteem vs. Self-Destruction

More often than not, you are probably your own worst enemy. You may think you are not pretty or handsome enough, not smart enough, too short or tall, too fat or thin, etc. My father use to say “toot your own horn, because if you don’t, nobody else will.” What he meant by that was simply if you don’t think that who you are or the things you do are important enough, then nobody else will either. When your confidence level rises, you learn that there is a balance of knowing that your life has room for improvement while feeling good about the decisions you have made thus far. To quote a famous comedian, “Self esteem is the esteem of YOURSELF”!! That means that people can tell you how beautiful, smart, witty, successful, etc. you are, but until you believe in yourself, hearing those things are just empty words. You have to love yourself enough to know that you matter. You are important!

There are several ways that you can begin to build your self-esteem level. To begin with, stop putting yourself down! If you find that you are always negative towards yourself, you must learn to stop that self-destructive behavior. The next time you begin to say what you cannot do or are not good enough for, stop yourself. Replace that negative energy by attempting to do positive things that you thought you could not do. It’s perfectly fine to look in the mirror and like what you see. It is perfectly fine to talk yourself and tell yourself that you are worthy, that you are smart, that you are beautiful. Surround yourself with positive people who you know will uplift your spirits and help to make you feel good about yourself. If someone gives you a positive compliment, simply say “thank you.” Try your best to stay away from people that are always putting you down or never have positive things to say about anything. If you are the person that everybody in your family/friend circle looks up to, then you need to add another circle of friends to your life with people in it that you can look up to. Always strive to improve yourself. You are capable of great things and you will never know what they are until you start to believe in yourself. A person with high self esteem hardly ever speaks on their greatness, they let their work or actions do all the talking for them.

Many of us confuse arrogance with high self-esteem. An arrogant person is someone who thinks they are better than everyone else. An arrogant person usually has an overbearing personality and while a person who is timid may look at an arrogant person in an admirable way, there is nothing admirable about being arrogant. In fact, an arrogant person usually has self esteem issues, as well. When you belittle other people to make yourself feel better, which is something an arrogant person tends to do, you actually have low self-esteem. Another type of person who has self esteem issues is a bully. Bullies tend to intimidate timid, inferior feeling people who think they cannot stand up for themselves. This behavior is probably the worst form of low self-esteem because innocent people are physically and verbally victimized because of another person’s esteem issues. If you are or know someone who is the victim of bullying please report this behavior as it can be very dangerous and even criminal.

When you finally reach the height of healthy self-esteem, you will notice that your personality will shine, that people will respect you more. But more than anything, you will feel better about yourself and you will know that it is OK to love yourself, in fact, YOU SHOULD LOVE YOURSELF. You are where your love starts. If you don’t love yourself, you can’t properly love others.

Unconditional Love

We all have many different ideas of what it is like to be in love, to love someone and to have someone love us. The true way to find out if you truly love a person is to ask yourself what you expect from that person. If you have a laundry list of things they should do for you, although you may love them, your love for them is conditional. Relationships with conditions almost always have major downfalls. No two people will have all of the same ideas of how things should be and what each other should or should not do in a relationship and that is what causes the breakdown between two people. Unconditional love is when you love a person just for who they are and you only have their best interest in your heart, not what you think their best interest should be. You should learn to look beyond a person faults, beyond your expectations of who they should be and you should never burden them with a list of things you want from them. Unconditional love is selfless. It means you are willing to give and do for the people you love, despite what they have to offer you. It is about giving your all and doing your best in a relationship. We set ourselves up for failure when we force our expectations on other people. An excellent example of unconditional love is the kind of love a mother has for her newborn. A mother doesn't expect anything from her newborn child. She loves her child unconditionally! Learning to love unconditionally will certainly change your outlook on life. It frees you up from having anger and resentment in your heart when the people you love do not quite do what you think they should be doing. Instead, you send your loved ones on their way knowing that you have their best interest at heart. When you love unconditionally, it motivates the people in your life to make a positive change in their life (probably not over night, but it does start to happen gradually). So, if you don't already love everyone in your life unconditionally, try turning things around and start to love differently. Remember that you do NOT have the power to make anyone do anything they don't want to do. Continually reinforce the positive things that they are trying to accomplish and calmly express your disagreement with their negative behavior. With the thought that misery loves company, the negative things will eventually fade because they will no longer have you to entertain those negative thoughts.

Laziness is Next to Nothingness

Our world has made it so easy to become lazy. Everything can pretty much be done for us at the touch of a button. We could sit in our houses and do everything from shopping to communicating with family and friends and never come in real contact with an actual person. This way of living can be very unhealthy. The computer world can be a wonderful thing, but it shouldn't be the only way of life. There are so many things that need to be done without ever opening your laptop. Start your day by waking up early in the morning whether you have something scheduled to do for the day or not. Take care of things that need to be done at home. If you live with your parents and you already have a "things to do' list, then make sure that is taking care of. If you are in college or live alone, then do whatever you need to do to get your space neat and orderly. Give yourself plenty of time to take care of your personal hygiene. If you take care of this first thing in the morning, you are always ready when last minute activities pop up. If you have something scheduled for the day whether it is school, work or an appointment, make sure you know where you are going and give yourself time to get there without feeling rushed (this prevents road rage). If you don't have something already planned and have the ability to make plans, then make sure they are constructive plans whenever possible. These activities could include going to the library, starting an exercise regiment, job hunting, etc. There is nothing wrong with planning time to be with friends, but "fun" time certainly should not be the majority of your day. If you have planned your day accordingly, you will be tired enough to go to bed at a decent hour at night and won't feel sluggish to start your next day. Life is not boring when you fill it full of constructive things to do and not get caught up in laying around the house all day.

Get Off Your Pedestal

One of the most fulfilling things in life is helping others. I know for the most part you have been thinking that everyone should help you, you should come first, you, you, you.... Unfortunately for you, that couldn't be further from the truth. You probably are the sweetest person you know, and your family and friends probably think so too. However, as sweet as you are, life does not revolve around you. Take a minute to do something positive for someone else and let those actions become a part of your everyday life. How often are you grateful for the things that are done for you that you voluntarily do housework without being told to do so? Even better, do you help out at home without viewing it as a "chore"? After all, helping out should be done as a kind act, not as a burden that you rather not be bothered with. Helping others is a positive way to say thank you or just to show your care and have concern for other human life. That is why if you are giving out of the kindness of your heart, you never expect any favors in return. If your life is full of free time, find ways to volunteer in your community, make sure your parents aren't always running around for you while you are chilling at home doing nothing. If you have smaller siblings, make tutoring or mentoring to them your goal. If you don't, find some children in the neighborhood to tutor or mentor to. Use your time wisely and always find a way to do some good instead of always feeling like things should be done for you. No matter what is going on in your life, there is always room to lend a helping hand. It helps to know that there is always someone who needs your assistance, no matter how big or small. So, get off your pedestal and do some positive things for others!!